I've been trying to teach myself japanese, can you tell? So far I can say like 5 words, and count to 10 but hey, thats more than I could say a week ago. I guess that's good. I've been really struggling to fill my time in the midst of searching for a new purpose, so to speak. A lot has been going on the last few months. I had to put my dog down of 15 years a couple months ago, about a month before I started this site. He had been losing his eyesight and was just sort of wandering around the house, but he was still eating and going to the bathroom outside, things of that nature. Although he was also getting increasingly reckless like jumping off the back patio (about 4 foot leap) even though he couldn't see the ground, things of that nature. Me and my dad were going back and forth for a few weeks where he was telling me the dog was ready to go but I contested that the dog can live just fine without eyesight and will let us know when he's ready to go. I figured that would mean he would stop eating and be sick and lazy. And we sort of both agreed to be on the lookout for when he stopped having the energy to eat and greet us at the door and such. And a couple weeks went bye and we jostled with the notion of my boy's end of days. Late in the evening one day we had a serious conversation, I advised my dad that we might have to stop letting the dog upstairs since he can't see, and we just have bars on the banister that he can fit through. But that never being a problem before and assuming the dog knows his way around the house, my dad sort of brushed it off but we started to situate a piece of cardboard to block the stairs when we would be gone, just in case. So we discussed that possibility and a few other things and eventually called it a night and we went to bed. Every night I slept with the dog and sometimes he would struggle to get comfortable, getting up in 2 seconds after taking 5 minutes to settle down. He would do this over and over all night until he diarrheead somewhere in the house while we slept. That night was one of those nights where he just could not settle in and get comfortable to go to sleep. Since he would get up he'd want to jump off my bed (too high for him to jump up on anymore) and then go back on my bed, over and over for as long as I would be awake. So to prevent the constant jumping off the bed and subsequent putting him back on the bed, I decided to sleep on the couch, as I often would in these situations, so that he could jump up and down off the couch until he finally pooped somewhere and settles down next to me on the couhc at some point in the night. So I watch him for a few hours deep into the night, I was probably still up around 3-4am before I finally couldn't stay up anymore and figured "he'll settle down by the morning" and closed my eyes to sleep. Boy what a mistake that was.
I woke up to a loud "Bang!" just a few feet away from me on the other side of the couch. I knew what it was before I was even fully conscious. I look over the couch and yell "Iggie NO!" There was my dog, having just fallen off the second floor and onto the thin rug placed over the hardwood in the foyer, with his neck stuck in the air at the scariest "dog fencing" position I have ever seen and will never forget. It's such an odd thing because when I saw it it scared me a lot and made me so sad, but I also knew in that moment, it was gonna be the part of the story people laugh at when/if I tell the story. And that has been the case but I understand its extremely traumatic so it brings up a mix of emotions and they can all jumble up and coagulate into laughter. This defense mechanism is the only reason I will never kill myself. Anyway, so my dog looks paralyzed and isn't responding to me when I run over there. I notice it's 8:00am on the dot. I'm already heartbroken, maybe even crying because I knew my dad was probably right and for sure we will be in agreement today. My parents come downstairs shortly after "Oh my God"s from my mom and my dad asking what happened. Me and my dad lock eyes as he comes downstairs and I'm already on my phone looking for a veterinarian that's open at 8 fucking am. My mom watches over the dog while I start calling vet clinics to find what's open. I contact a guy and I tell him "my dog had an accident he needs to be put down right now" and the guy on the phone is kind of dicking around, saying "ok well um you could go here they do " I cut him off and said" just tell me where to go" or something straightforward and he's like " I'm getting to it" and I apologized and I'll never know if I was in the right for that or not, like if he was actually dicking around with the answer or if my adrenaline was so high 1 second felt like 20 minutes. I've accepted it's probably both. I'm relatively cool under pressure. emphasis on realtively because I run at 2000mph but I get shit done when it hits the fan.
While I'm on the phone, the dog comes to, and stand up and kind of shake it off it seemed like. For about 3 seconds me and my mom looked at eachother like "I think he'll be ok" but immediately afterward the reality of Dad sets in and we both know, as men, what needs to be done. I mentioned I thought the dog would tell me he's ready to go when he stopped eating his food. Well, afterwards analyzing it all we never suspected he might try to COMMIT FUCKING SUICIDE like an overworked chinaman or something. I pray that a dog is not actually capable of jumping to it's death and I choose more to believe that my dog thought he was at someone's door and was trying to push it open and didn't realize where he was. Or, that is often his place to poop was on that rug, so maybe he thought he was by the rug and couldn't see. I don't know it's just so hard to cope with considering the dog lived in the house for 15 years and never ever came close to doing something like this. Either way, the reality of it was that my dog was now recovered from his unconscious state but was now wobbling along, with a bleeding mouth becuase his tooth busted out and who knows what else was wrong with him. Now the most dreaded car ride of my life, my mom wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me and I had to hold him in my arms as my dad and I drove to this vet 15 minutes away while I had juggled with the thought of if this was the right thing to do. About halfway through the ride the car was pretty hot and the dog breaks out of his blanket wrap clearly overheating, and I'm thinking "if he has the energy to get out of this hot blanket, then is that a sign that he's still ok?" But again, every time I had that thought I have my dad right next to me saying "if we don't do it now he's just gonna get himself hurt again some other way, this is for his own good, etc." Absolutely brutal, this thing we call life. No other time do I feel more like an outright murderer. I'll kill a zillion insects before I have to put another dog down that I don't know for sure want's to go.
There was a few saving graces, when we finally made it to the vet, my boy was very calm, certainly still shaken up from his fall about 20-30 minutes prior. We had hi over to the vet do some paperwork and wait about 5 minutes before being called into the back room. Every step is a death sentence walking toward that door. Inside my dog was lying calmly and comfortably in a nice bed.
2 grown men walk out of the clinic in silence, heartbroken over a dog that they both didn't even really like when they first got him, but had since grown to require his presence around the house. Tears in my eyes and on the cold frozen pavement, on an otherwise bright sunny, winter day. It was calm. The day was over in 45 minutes. We went back home and I cried for a week straight. I'm crying now.
Now I told you that story to tell you this, all that happened meanwhile, my dad is going through a cancer diagnosis, he had just had surgery not to long before to remove a tumor in his neck. We both were really counting on the dog to make it to summer at least, just for eachothers company on a long hard road my dad was/is going through. That meant he could be home with the dog all day too for the dog's sake in his old age. unfortunately iggie only made it about a third of the way through my dad's journey, and that really hurt us both with all this depressing shit already hanging over us. When my dad was going through his chemo and radiation, there were videos circulating of cheetahs and big cats getting diarrhead on by hippos they were trying to eat. Very very funny videos but they were made with AI. So I come downstairs one day and my dad is realyl loving these videos, thinks they are hilarious, but he can't really laugh because it hurts from the treatment. He shows me the videos and says he's been laughing at them all day, then I tell him they are AI and the look on his face could have stopped a circus. I felt like the biggest piece of shit of all time because he looked like I just told him Playboy bunnies aren't real or something I mean I felt horrible for him. He looked so dejected, more than I have ever seen him look in my life, he's usually a very stoic guy. That's when I realized I probably just ruined the only thing that's brought him joy in weeks. Something to take his mind off the insanely intense, searing pain that he is in, and I made it all come rushing back to him, reminding him the world is a horrible place and nothing is to be believed in. Which of course is not true, but in the state he was in, you try telling him otherwise. But at the same time, would I have rather had him find out it was AI on his own, maybe he would have never found out and lived a life of blissful ignorance, laughing all day at the shitting hippos... You can never know an answer to these things. There is no anser there is only, make a choice and stand by it. Try not to regret anything you do, even if you do regret it it's what makes being alive worthwhile. That you can make a mistake and live to see another day when you can have that mistake corrected, and prove your growth. Well, I have a lot more to say and more stories to build on but this is getting pretty long so, if you enjoyed this and want to read more stories from my life, let me know. Hug your loved ones, evens those closest to you might switch up on you one day. Family is all you got, even if the family is not the greatest family of all time, just appreciate what you do have, even if no one esle around you can. appreciate it for those who can't. I really have a lot more I want to get off my chest but my dead dog and my dad having cancer are the two biggest problems I have going around in my head right now, pile on top of that, some people I thought were my friends no longer seeming like they want anything to with me, and leaving me to wonder if that's all it took were we ever really friends in the first place? Something to go over in my next installment, next time.
I'm not going to lie to you, this is the typical way these things happen to go. It's been like two weeks and I'm already completely slacking on these updates. The thing about the old days, is they never go away. The Wire lied to us all. Nothing ever changes and time is a flat circle. Today though, I felt inspired. I felt inspired to come to all of you people who aren't reading this. To address all the people in my head. These are things I never even really consider. Everything I do/post to the internet, is to completely imaginary people. When I was younger it felt like real people on the other end of these messages, but today, the state of the internet is in such a state of decay, I'm not sure if there is anyone actually alive out here. To be honest, now that I;m sitting here thinking about it, I'm not really alive either, so what does it matter if the person on the other end of the line isn't actually a living human. I'm just so lonely that I'll talk to anything that will respond to me and will do the rest of the work to trick myself into believing I am having a real interaction. And that will be enough.
YOu kknow what won't be enough? Things I have to say. I have so much to say and get off my chest all day and then I finally work up the immense gumption to put my thoughts to the page, and all of these thoughts escape me. Not in a way that can be useful for productivity mind you. Let's see, I'll just dump a list of topics and touch on those.
I've been listening to the Norm Live Podcast to get through the work day and by God I can never get enough Norm. What a loss to the comedy world, it's so difficult to find someone who can recognize every single waking moment is a joke like he could. It's an understanding of the world you only find in the highest of Tibetan peaks with Monks that haven't spoken a word outloud in 25 years. Pure tranquility inside any ball of chaos. Norm was so good at making complicated things sound so simple and silly, and then simple silly things he would describe with such detail to make you forget that he was telling a joke, like the description of the thing was always the funneiest part because how absurd he could make it all sound before hitting you with the punchline. Even when I know half the jokes it still never gets old. Speaking of have you guys heard of this Hitler fella? They say he hated Jews. Seems like a real jerk if you ask me.
Speaking of 4/20, anybody reading this smoke weed? If you're here I assume you do because how the hell else did you find this fucking webpage you psycho? Anyway, I just ripped the John F Pennedy and I have a funny story about that.
Upgrade number 3. I wasn't going to even work on the site tonight. I can't stay focused on a project for more than 2 days, it drives me nuts. I try to dedicate myself to learn something and that holds for about 2 days befor I fall back to my old ways. My old ways being playing video games and watching movies. It gets even worse because half the time I'm not even playing a game but just looking at my library or some bullshit. I spend even more time staring at my phone getting into arguments or doomscrolling twitter. I think the real problem is the phone. I always tell myself it's the game but really it's the phone that stops 90% of any productivity I would have accomplished. There's plenty I need to do but I just put it off constantly playing games and scrolling my phone. Really makes you want to throw the phone and live in the woods just to refind your center. But you also need to have other people around just to keep you from going crazy. But again, at this point in my life it feels like I can't talk to anybody. Truly connecting with anybody on anyhing is incredibly difficult to do so I mostly find myself just sitting quietly. Even still, every time I do speak it always feels like I say too much, no matter who I say it to it's like I never understand why I even spoke up in the first place. They don't get it and then I overexplain it for them to further not understand and become even more confused. I haven't talked to a reasonable mind in a while. The most reasonable conversation you can find is usually with a stranger but that's just because you can write off everything you say to them because you know you won't ever see them again. So i guess the conversation isnt reasonable but it wont be so much weight on the mind.
I'm watching The Gray Man in the background, never seen it, still can't really say I've "seen" it as I am hardly paying attention while writing this but I'm gonna be honest, movie kinda sucks. Everytim I do look over it's not realyl gripping me. Anyway, the other day some lady got shot in Minnesota by ICE agents. Unfortunate situation, I know some of you spazzes on here are thirsting for blood in the streets. Me personally, I'd prefer if we could avoid it as we should be focused on making AI actually smart enough and robots sophisticated enough, to take some of these fucking jobs off people's hands so no one has to work anymore. Or at the very least not work as hard or as often. Let the working class relax and anyone that wants to advance can still make money being an entrepeneur or whatever but have a lil UBI of some kind. I know it's probably impossible but that would be pretty tight. There would still be plenty of jobs but whatever brighter minds than me can figure out how it works I'm not here to solve AI. No, that's not what I'm here for at all! Now, what I am here for is to spread awareness and connect with the people. I want to know what the people need! Mmmm wait a minute... that's not right either. I've seen what you people praise and I'm not interested per se. I don't want to shut any up, but I would like to create safe spaces for every conversation to be had. These safe spaces will be literal spaces, like a dome room, like one of those igloos you see at outside restaurant tables during the winter, except mine would be sound proof, and then let people have all the conversations they want in an igloo like that. Not every thing needs to be yelled at the president or whatever form of authority there is. I don't understand why people take authority seriously, outside of respect for the system, if someone is not holding a gun to your face, there is nothing stopping you from living the life you want to live. No one should be hurting anybody, that's not what I'm saying, but sometimes you gotta let off a little steam. There's nothing wrong with that.
Ok this movie is starting to get OK. Kinda weird they have that little girl from Once Upon A Time in Hollywood and she does the same thing in this movie, just dropped wisdom on the MC for no reason. Oh shit she just died. I dont know what this girl is to Ryan Gosling, I think also an assassin idk. Ok I should have been paying attention to this movie it's getting not bad. Enough about the movie, I have real shit to say. Just let me think of it first... like uhhhh, how bout, what's the deal with people these days, it's like they have all the world's information available at their fingertips in a moments notice, and yet they're more retarded than ever! (Jerry Seinfeld) I've noticed my phone is basically my second brain. I can't remember shit if it's not saved in my phone somewhere. And 99% of the things saved never get revisted. Can't tell you how many bookmarks I have on twitter and even on my laptop that I add like "wow this will come in hady for sure, 100% no doubt about it," just for me to never go back to them never ever again. The same way I tell myself I'm going to reread these and edit them for typos and what not, I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not going to do that. I just won't. I'm like that with a lot of things in my life now. Things I could take care of in a shortish amount of time, I just never ever do. Taking my car into the shop, things like that, and it all costs money to do. Has there ever been a decade in life where it is not the most expensive time to be alive of all time, because that's certainly true today. Ok I've been writing for 40 minutes, this is all garbage I've said absolutely nothing, sorry for wasting you time.
4:09 am January 5, 2026,
Captain's log, we've been stranded for days. What food we have left won't last us much longer. The men have started hunting and scavenging about the area but soon I fear there won't be much left for them to find, and sooner still I fear the men will regress to the savage ways of days before gentlemen. When all that will be left is a dying fire, and eachother. Hunger ravaging our bodies in such a violent way there won't be a way to think straight. And soon there will be nothing left to do.. absolutely no other option... than to have our way with each other right then and there...
Yeah that took a turn. I kind of lost it about halfway through there, my bad. Enough goofin around! Let's get serious for a second. Day 2, we'll see how much longer I can keep up this charade, this absolute masquerede, this performance we call living. I mean blogging. I mean, whatever the hell this is, building a website? I fear actually, I fear sometimes. You know what I fear? I fear that no matter what I do I can't help but come across like a huge faggot in my writing. It's like no matter what style I choose I can't make it feel natural. That's pretty much what this is for though, just to get some reps in y'know? I just had an idea, because I can't upload mp3s to the site yet for them to autoplay, I can just put a link to the shit I want you to listen to while reading my gay ass thoughts. My gay ass dumb ass faggot ass retarded ass thoughts. I'll probably do that like once a month. Just have a tourrettes break of self deprecation. Nah, it won't always be self deprecating, just wait til something really set me off. I was too tired to snap last night and to be real with you, I did not sleep until the Lions game today. Of course I fell asleep in the 3rd quarter and the Bears come back and make it a game but we still won so it's all good. And the game did not matter at all because we fucking suck but it's alllll good. I got a little 2 hour nap in and now here I am right back where I started 19 hours ago. I'm gonna figure out how to make a side bar on my damn main page so I can make it clear where to find this damn blawg. Ok taking a break
This is the real deal. The big leap. The first blog post into the stratosphere, destined to be ignored by the masses again, but to be fair to the masses, I have yet to provide anything of actual worthwhile. Right now it is 9:38 in the morning January 4, 2026. We just passed the apex of our solar trip and we've made it a long way and still seemingly went, no where at all. At 27 years old life has kind of started slowing down at a time that feels like it should be rocketing now more than ever. When I was growing up I didn't expect to "have it all figured out" by now, I was no nearly naive enough for that. But, I certainly didn't expect to be so far behind where I thought I would be at by now. It seems like my life has more or less stagnated even when I try and make a big move. I've changed jobs, been unemployed, tried things I'd been anxious about my entire life, and no matter what I do I feel like nothing really goes anwhere. Nothing I've started has felt like "I need to find a way to do this for the rest of my life." The only thing that ever really did was comedy but I am hated at open mics so I kind of got lost on how I'm supposed to get booked if everyone hates you when you perform. And I promise I'm not a bigoted comic, although I can see the perception some of it may come across tone deaf sometimes but what can you do. I could sit here all morning and break down the different ways I've been perceived on-stage, the point being that I just got lost with comedy but when you don't know where to go it's kind of hard to pursue. So in the meantime I look for a real job for security, although that's just as much of a pipe dream as becoming a comedian. Honestly, as I sit here the more I think about it the more I think my chances of being a comedian are better than finding a regular office job that pays a living wage. That also said, I've never had an office job, I've only ever worked blue collar.Some would call me a bum. Some wouldn't care. Me personally, I am the last person to give a shit about what someone does for work or how much money they have but I figured this was an introduction. I never understood people who only want to talk about work. Even if you are someone that struggles to make conversation, there are a million things to talk about that aren't work. Strangely, usually the most talkative people just talk about work. It's only worth talking about if you are an astronaut or something, something rare that no one ever is. No, a doctor is not an interesting job, unless you wanna tell horror stories from the ER, then I'll hang out. As much as I hate the type of person, a Hollywood actor would be cool to talk about for a time.
Anyway, what else we got to talk about? My page my rules: I spent the day playing satisfactory when I should have been signing up for some classes to finsih my accounting degree (that I have no faith in using). I really don't want to spend the money on classes though. I also need to transfer my debt from one credit card to another but I'm just a dumb retarded idiot so I just put it off for so long that I keep paying the insane interest on the card I have and am simply throwing money in the trash. That is the cost of procrastination.
So I will talk about that in a second, but I have to say this. I have to give the truth to the internet, especially on a site like this where the userbase is the main people who push this false narrative about my favorite TV show. The main characters of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia are NOT inherently bad people. They show this time and time and time again. They give both sides very honestly and tastefully that it's impressive. The characters have tons of redeeming qualities even when they are making the "worst" decisions and being assholes they are really more accurate representation of just a normal person than taking one side or another or acting completely unselfishly like so many people in tv and movies do. That's why Seinfeld/Curb is similarly great, the characters are selfish as hell. No they aren't role models, but the way the internet paints them as these insane caricatures of the worst people on the planet, should be a lot more telling about the viewers than the characters. The characters as much as they shit on each other, are also constantly looking out for eachother, even if it's out of spite for the other. Now, I could genuinely break down on this for an entire blog post of it's own because, like I said, it is my favorite show and I've seen every episode 6 million times and counting so, maybe one day if I get riled up enough. For now let me get back to this paper, Im a couple bands down but I'm trynna get back, sum sum got a flip for 5 stacks, I been playing too much 2k, that song's on there. I'm gonna have MJ playlist running on my page its gonna be so fresh on this bitch omg can't wait to set that up, so much swag on this page already its dripping.
I am going to tell you now, I am writing a novel. It might be two novels but I'm trying to work it as one. One story of the novel follows a group of heisters in a futuresque setting, not quite cyberpunk but some elements of it just a not so distant future megalopolis situation, a rag tag group of outcasts go for one more score to settle there own. This story was born out of the second story that will be the A story that follows not the main guy from the group, but a character from the group who gets caught in the heist but still plays a crucial part in jail while also going through his own tribulaitons trying to figure his way through the system, which in this future is less strict but more punishing, if that's the right way to put it. The government is like a boss that doesn't micromanage, because they make such an example out of the bad apples it's deterrent enough. So that's the idea. I have two seperate openings one with the group and one with the solo. I've been trying to figure out how I want to fit the beginnings and whose I want to start with. Now I know I won't start in the middle then huge flashbakc, but, I might start in the middle, with a bit of flashback. Not quite a tarantino movie with the jumping around, but a bit of that as well. Just to keep the story spicy. It reminds me of the scene in The Other Guys when David Ershon describes how he's going to tell the story about how he laundered his money, or whatever it was (pretty sure it was that).
Ok it's 10:37 now, I think I'm gonna go get some coffee and some toast or something. Something to get the day started, might keep writing after we'll see.